They say that when we die, we’ll see our sweetest guides,
The ones who always lift us up, or never let us fall.
Some will see sweet Jesus, Mohamed, or Old Moses.
But me, I’ll see a coffee pot, a big spliff, and a glass of single malt.

I believe in Honky Tonk Jesus, I believe in Honky Tonk God,
I believe when they lay me in the earth, it’ll be in Honky Tonk Sod.
I believe in a Holy Trinity, you know what I mean:
Holy Ganja, Holy Whisky, Holy Coffee Bean.

I believe in Honky Tonk Tantra, I believe in Honky Tonk Tao,
I believe in Honky Tonk Adam Smith and Honky Tonk Chairman Mao,
I believe when the pressure gets too strong you have to lift the weight.
So thank you java, thank you ganja, thank you Kentucky Straight!

I believe in Honky Tonk Evolution, in the Big Old Honky Tonk Bang.
I believe in Honky Tonk Buddha Nature, and good old Honky Tonk Ram.
I believe in Honky Tonk Revolution — here comes the flood,
Of coffee black, and whisky straight, and fields of darling buds.

When alimony and peristalsis have you in a jam.
Just call on Honky Popeye, who is just what he am,
He’s got his Holy Spinach, Sherlock his Holy Coke,
So pour a cup, and lift a glass, and take a holy toke!

I believe that in this troubled world, joy often comes too late,
Sometimes we think we’ve wasted life, and sometimes curse our fate.
But I say, why wait to be wasted? let’s get wasted now.
So thank you Johnny, thank you Joey, thank you Maui Wow!

I believe in Honky Tonk Jesus, I believe in Honky Tonk God,
I believe when they lay me in the earth, it’ll be in Honky Tonk sod.
I believe in a Holy Trinity, you know what I mean:
Holy Ganja, Holy Whisky, Holy Coffee Bean.